Dear Buskers....

Buskers are annoying.

I know some people think buskers add a lovely, musical atmosphere to an otherwise dull and grimy place (in the TTC’s case, perhaps just a good scrub down would suffice) but generally, I find that the people who believe such things are chumps. I do, however, agree that buskers come in ranging skill/irritation levels: from melodically gifted- to laughably appalling-to the criminally insane.

Alas, no matter which way you cut this cheese (and believe you me, it is a stinky one) a busker is essentially a person who asks you to pay them for performing their HOBBY in public. Busking is not a valid job. That’s right, it constitutes a hobby, as most legitimate, professional musicians do not perform their music for quarters beside a street-meat vendor. 

There are two standard types of buskers. The first are the sort that are clearly homeless and somehow feel that playing a guitar and asking for change is less like begging than just straight out asking for change (it really isn’t). This type is thoroughly annoying but not really enraging, as you don’t expect much from them anyway. I guess it is kind of nice that they are putting forth some bit of effort, even though that effort is essentially misguided and could have been directed much more effectively (like, hey, get an actual job maybe?)

 The second kind of busker really, really, really, pisses me off. They enrage me to the point where I fantasize about throwing a Molotov cocktail into their guitar case.

 This sort of busker is clearly homed, clearly sane and clearly capable of working a mediocre job they don’t really care about. Yet somehow, they seem to think they are above all that. Apparently buskers are under the impression that they shouldn’t have to work a 9 to five job just to do silly things like pay the rent and put food in their mouths. But...what? the rest of us should have to? While they screw around on the cello all day long? What balls!

 What exactly is the point of busking nowadays anyway?  Most people braving the TTC are clutching Ipods and blasting music into their eardrums in hopes of drowning out that sort of racket.  Come on Busker, do you think this is how you are going to catch your big break?

 Since there is no forum on which to register a formal complaint to the buskers of Toronto (and the world) I think a more personal approach is required. I suggest writing a personalized letter to be delivered to the busker of your choice. It would probably be a good idea to write something misleading on the front of the envelope, something which entices the busker to open it up unwittingly and unaware of the reproach that awaits him/her inside.  Photographed bellow, is the letter I plan to deliver to a deserving local busker.

 Dear Busker,

 

If you want people to give you money for performing your hobby in public, where were you when I finished my sudoku book on the train? And how about my roomate, did you slip her a five when she finished knitting her scarf in the park?      

 

 

"The Better Way"......better than what, exactly?

It is always something with the TTC, Isn’t it? If you’re not the meat in a smelly stranger sandwich then you’re suffocating in the stale, re-cycled air, perfumed by a cocktail of nauseating scents, which often include: street meat, B.O, alcohol, cheap cologne and farts.

Or, maybe you are standing in a long, disorganized, free-for-all of a line, shouting obscenities in your head at those complete dicks who decide that the space you have generously left front of you as thoroughfare for other TTC patrons, is actually just a place for them to stand (“I am so happy you are finally here! I have been saving this spot for you all morning!”).

And what about the obliviously inconsiderate slow-walkers? Those who amble along aimlessly, clearly in the midst of whatever retarded daydream their dull, unimaginative mind can muster, paying no mind to whom they bump into or where they stumble. With an empty head, save for the buzzing flies in the place of a human brain, they saunter casually onto the train and then just STOP at the entrance; effectively blocking the doorway for the 50 people queued up behind them.

Everyone seems to have their own gripe with the TTC, whether it’s the mouth- breathing mob of drooling malcontents who try to push their way into the train before anyone can exit, or the bus you take to work every morning that seems to show up whenever the hell it feels like it. The list of grievances I, and like-minded sane people, have about the TTC is long enough to be written on a scroll.

So, let’s get off the topic of the barbarously uncouth TTC customers for a moment and try to crack down on the soulnessness of TTC operations as a whole.

First you have the TTC employees: they hate you.

No matter how polite you are, how courteous, how much you smile during your interaction with them, they hate you and are just biding their time until the next chance they get to shut a train door in your face, or speed away in their bus (ignoring you running desperately behind them), or to just sneer and grunt at you when you ask for change.

I once attempted to buy a metro pass at Ossington station and was met with the reply of , “no.”

Not, “ no, sorry, we are sold out,” or, “ we don’t have any, but they may have some left at Younge.” Just, “no.” Care to elaborate?

Be honest, have you ever clutched a steaming cup of hot coffee in your hands and tried to determine if the benefits outweigh the consequences of hurling it directly into the smug and disgruntled face of a TTC operator? I think about this almost every morning.

It seems that the only thing stinky-er and more incompetent than a TTC employee is the service itself. At the end of most commute filled days, I find myself full of gripes and questions for the TTC. Questions such as:

• Do you use the token machines as piggy banks that you crack open once you feel they have stolen enough change? Seriously, you owe me about $20.
• Why can’t you figure out how to get the trains to work properly during a heavy snowfall? Hasn’t there been a heavy snowfall at least once every winter since you have existed?
• During rush hour, why does the westbound train on the Bloor-line show up every 2 minutes for the approximate 4 people waiting for it? While the other 75 of us trying to go eastbound have to push ourselves into the clown car that comes every 7 minutes? I think its cause your all sadists.

It’s enough to make you set fire to your metro pass, isn’t it?

So what’s your gripe? The TTC actually has a section of their website devoted to comments, suggestions and complaints:

http://www3.ttc.ca/Contact_Us/Complaints_Compliments_Suggestions/Suggestions_complaint.jsp

(Get this, they also have a section for compliments ! HA!)

Write them and tell them how much you hate them. I’m planning to. You can even do it anonymously if you are afraid there will be some sort of repercussions (I don’t for a second believe they are competent or organized enough for that.)